how I’m still smiling (audio + script)

Sharing this is a huge stretch for me. It’s personal, it’s vulnerable, but I know it will help someone. So if you’re in the pits, grieving a loss, frustrated with so much being beyond your control, or just being nosey (lol), here you have it. How I’m getting through the roughest year of my life & why I know you can get through it, too:

script:

I’m in a period right now of just infinite generosity and its funny because this is a pattern of mine - to give to so many others at the detriment of my own self, but in this case, it’s just like this endless giving cycle that’s so positive and high vibrational that, if I’m keeping it 150%…

This year I had an abortion and I’m now separating from my partner of *8* years. I have a history of anxiety and depression and codependency and ADHD too if we’re just throwing it all out there - but I have crumbled from far smaller things many times in my life. And they were significant still at the time, but compared to being pregnant and having to make that decision and the decision to leave a marriage, whew, the fact that I can say those words and be sitting through this right now, my eyes are welling up a little bit, but not really.

You already know if you know me that I’m a very tearful, emotional person. I’m an empath so I can’t even watch other people cry without starting to cry. All this say that it’s pretty phenomenal how that same nature is just being expressed in such a healthier manner, because I’m able to show up for really heavy things for other people right now and I know that sometimes when I open up about what I’m going through - because I do open up. That’s what I like about the nature of what I do compared to if I were a mental health provider that couldn’t open up. It just feels like you can deepen the relationship when you can share intimate parts of you with eachother. Just being hella transparent with my clients and those around me has fed me in such a necessary way because I’ve been able to receive healing from them. And its absolutely aligned that this was the year of my spiritual evolution and being in community now with several healers, creatives, anyone practicing their indigenous traditions of any background. Everyone committed to returning to our indigenous practices. And that includes those who descended from western Europe, myself included. I right now have not explored as much down my European ancestry because my Filipino ancestors have been coming through so hard for me, but there’s a lifetime to explore right? And at the same time it doesn’t even matter, you can pick your ancestors. You can pick anyone with qualities you want to emulate.

I am just sitting here so floored with myself that this is what I’m going through and that I’m still showing up for other people who are also going through some of the hardest times of their lives and we can just get on calls regularly or text and feed eachother love like pouring into another it just.. all the days I spent alone thinking I was alone. Like, what a lie. And I wasn’t alone back then I just wasn’t reaching out to people so if you need a message to reach out for help here it is. And part of calling on others for help is offering it when you’re able to. So making that a part of my life, like everything has changed. And I see from such a different angle how, I don’t know…. it’s gonna be okay though.

So if you’re listening to this and you feel hella alone or you feel like omg how am I gonna get through this? You’re not alone. You can hit me up! I’m in a space right now where I’m trying to create that community and connecting other people too. Not just for emotional support but to execute the creative ideas that you have. Sometimes all you need is to meet the right person with the skills whether you’re the conceptual person who needs logistical person ot the other way around. There’s so many collaborations to be made and so many ways to deliver this message that we’re done with with this capitalist, colonial bullshit. We’re done. We’re over it. We’re moving forward with creating a society that is better and harms far fewer people and holds eachother accountable and is rooted in love. And its possible. Its totally possible and I’ve been told I’m delusional or living in a fantasy. But why the fuck not live in a fantasy?! I mean its a little stretch with my life right now to say its a fantasy but in a lot of ways it is. In a lot of ways I’m seeing the potential from the people around me that are working on really amazing things and if you need a healer I know a fuckton of healers of so many different modalities.

Sometimes its so simple. I’m so floored at how simple its been to just meditate every day - sometimes guided, sometimes my own - and engage with all these other ways like sound healing, voice alchemy, breathwork, movement, dance, yoga, alll these things like if you’re intentional. Like Celina [Gomes] said the other day [during Refill Your Cup], you can get your healing literally planning to indulge in your favorite dessert. Its about the intentionality behind it. And that’s what I’m learning from my reiki master Tiffany Pettit @afrokhmer, she’s teaching me that I’ve already been carrying this healing energy and every single person carries it. I’ve seen the proof, its not debatable for me, its the way things work and you either choose to engage with it intentionally or you’re not. And its okay if you’re not, but what hurts from being intentional and any possibility of leaning things in your favor. It makes you a better person, community member, and overall the shitty things feel a little less shitty because you know what matters most I guess.

That’s it for my, if you listened, tight. If you have thoughts about it lets talk about it . If you have ideas and want to collaborate on gathering people to talk about these things, let’s explore in less verbal ways. And like I said, if you’re looking for healing: if you don’t know or speak to your ancestors or you’re like “I’m not spiritual at all but I think things are connected somehow,” let me know and I’ll connect you with one of the really dope healers I know. It’s an investment in yourself. I think people sometimes look and are like “why would I pay money to teach me the most basic shit” but there’s such a difference between information/intellectualizing and actually embodying these things. And that’s why you need that body work, these other modalities, to really embody it and feel it in your bones. I got you and I love you <3